you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
