i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
