first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
