Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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