Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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