Umm I'm too high to move.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize