i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
