I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
