4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
