enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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