I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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