I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
