I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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