even my farts smell like vagina
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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