in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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