I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
