I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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