Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
