have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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