Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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