does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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