I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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