how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
