I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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