I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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