you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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