I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
