capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
