I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
