Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
