Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
