Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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