Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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