My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
