chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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