This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
