oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
