weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
