no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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