did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
