my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
