i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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