I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
