from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
