I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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