Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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