I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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