i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
