just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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