I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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