Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
