At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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