Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
