Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
whose ass print is on the piano?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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