the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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