but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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