I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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